This process may be useful if you’d like to start to establish some general foundational boundaries, or review the boundaries you have.

A couple of things to consider when going through the steps:

  • Remember that we develop our boundaries over time, so establishing them is a process that will unfold over time (months and years).  This is just a starting point.
  • Secondly, write down your thoughts as you go. Writing helps to clarify your thinking and may enable new insights to occur.

1.  Identify your values.

Values indicate the things that are important to us and will affect our expectations of our own and others’ behaviour.

Try to narrow the list to about 5 ‘core’ Values (this exercise sheet may help).

2.  Identify some situations in which these values are expressed.

For example, if you value autonomy, then you enjoy making your own decisions and deciding how you’ll spend your time.

If you value your quiet time and personal space, then you may like having a room at home to which you can retreat, or opportunity for deep thinking work in the office.

3.  Reflect on when and how these core values are or could be challenged,

…to the degree that you feel irritated or uncomfortable.

To use the examples above, someone who values autonomy may get very irritated when a co-worker or family member makes decisions for what everyone in the team or family is going to do.

Someone who values personal space may resent others who enter their room without knocking, or those who ignore the sign on the door that says ‘unavailable until noon’.

4.  Consider how you’d like things to be.

For example, you want to have input into the decisions made for the team or family (or want to ensure everyone involved could contribute); or you want to ensure that others are aware of and respect your need for personal space.

5.  Start to put more clarity around the boundaries.

Choose one and identify what that looks like in practice: e.g., people knock before they come into my room/ office.

6.  Consider how the boundary is communicated.

A boundary is not clear unless others know what it is.

  • How could you communicate this clearly and succinctly?
  • When might be the best time to do that? Is it before an issue arises, or during the situation itself?
  • What will you say?
  • If it’s during the situation, how will you manage any resentment, irritation, or other emotions that might arise?