There will be times when we feel our boundaries have been breached or feel that someone else has taken advantage of us in some way.

It’s frustrating if we can’t think of a response in the moment or, when we do think of something to say, we are cautious about speaking up or uncertain that our words will have the effect we’d like.

If we’re not clear on our boundaries to begin with, then we may not even realise our boundaries have been breached until later, when we’re reflecting on the situation or someone else points it out.

When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable,
we feel used and mistreated.
Brené Brown

Generally, we may not assert our boundaries or make our wishes clear because:

  • We don’t want to hurt another person’s feelings
  • We fear rejection
  • We don’t want any conflict or confrontation
  • We feel there’s a power differential that could go against us, or
  • We feel guilty about asserting ourselves and putting our own needs front and centre.

So, how can we respond in a way that is assertive, firm, and looks after our own interests…
… and is diplomatic, respectful, and professional (if at work)?

Set a baseline

While it can be useful to know why we avoid boundaries, it’s more useful and important to be clear on your values, the things that push your buttons the most, and what personal information that you’re willing to share (or not) (some tips here)

This will enable you to recognise a boundary breach in the moment so that you can actively choose what to do with it.

In the moment

Remain calm and objective.  The boundary breach may not be an intentional act by the other person.  However, even if it is, you will be most effective if you remain calm.

One of the key things that assists you to maintain emotional calmness is to breathe!
Breathe out, then be conscious of keeping your breathing moderate and even.
This is something you can practise at any time, so that it becomes more normal for you in potentially emotional situations.

Tune into how you’re feeling.  You might feel irritated or annoyed, angry, or in disbelief.  Recognising your feelings and labelling them helps to take the edge off them at the time.
Then consciously breathe out again to relax more, if needed..

Identify what you want to say.  This may be respectfully correcting someone, expressing discomfort with their behaviour, or asking them to stop a behaviour.

When you speak up…

When you do state your point:

  • Use I-statements
  • Speak clearly, calmly, respectfully, firmly
  • There’s no need to give a lengthy explanation
Some examples:

  • I ask that you knock and wait for a response before you enter the room, rather than just opening the door” (vs “Can you please not barge in all the time!”)
  • “Please wait a moment, I’ve not yet finished what I was saying”.
  • “No, I don’t want a hug” or “I’d prefer that you didn’t touch me”

Dealing with push-back or emotional reactions

Push-back

  • Some people may test your statements or boundaries in different ways, like pushing back, ignoring what you’ve said, or joking about it.
  • Be open that this might occur but be firm; go back to your values and re-state your point.
For example:
  • “It’s not a joke to me Stan, I don’t appreciate being interrupted continually and I’d like to finish what I was saying.”

Emotional reactions from others
  • Remember that you can only control what and how you say something as well as your reaction to anything said to you.
  • You can’t control the other person’s response, including if they become offended or irritated.
  • However, a simple strategy to defuse and manage the interaction (without getting into a debate or justification for your position) is to acknowledge their response, then re-state your point.

For example:

  • “You seem to be a little irritated by my statement.  My intent is to be clear on how your statement impacted me and what I would prefer instead, which is….”
  • “I understand that you’re in a rush to get the answers you need.  However, when my door is shut I’d like you to knock and wait for a response before entering the office.”

Setting boundaries takes practice and persistence

You may feel anxiety or apprehension when you first start to assert or define your boundaries – this is normal – but the more you speak up, the more comfortable you will become with it.

You may also need to repeat yourself a couple of times.
Even those who support us may get irritated or upset initially, because the status quo is changing.  People like familiarity.

Remember:  your boundaries protect the inner core of your identity.

They help you to feel safe, valued, and respected.
They promote agency (a sense of control over your life), effectiveness, and well-being.

Your boundaries are worth standing up for! 

You best teach others about healthy boundaries by enforcing yours.
Bryant McGill