One of the difficulties that we have in speaking up – especially when we disagree or want to challenge someone – is not knowing how to say things in a way that opens conversation and discussion. We are often cautious about raising an issue that might lead to conflict, tension, or arguments.
Our hard wiring
For all of us, our automatic reaction to challenge is defensiveness. This is because we are hard-wired to be alert to threat.
We are also hard-wired for social connection because it is necessary for our long-term survival.
Consequently, our response to a social threat is potentially more complex than our response to other threats and (for most of us) our default is to maintain congeniality.
There are some simple steps that we can take to approach potentially difficult conversations.
This article by Dorie Clark provides an excellent summary of the basics and an equally good example.
It is worth reading the article. However, here are the three steps from the article with my own spin from a neuroscience basis.
The three steps
1. Don’t assume intent
We often make assumptions about another person’s message, based on their words, their tone, or their actions. The truth is.. we can’t really be sure.
Rather than make assumptions or jump into a counter-argument or point:
- Withhold judgement. When you feel yourself becoming defensive, breathe out and choose to be curious.
- Withhold your view for the moment and ask a question or two for clarification, e.g., “When you said X, did you mean ABC?” or “Is your comment in relation to X and Y?”
- Use I statements: “I’m not quite sure what you mean; could you clarify for me?”
- You could also express your initial reaction as an observer-of-self, e.g., “oh my goodness, I feel quite shocked! Can we explore your perspective a bit further?” Neuroscience research has shown that being an observer-of-self and naming your own emotion reduces the impact of that emotion and enables you to manage it more effectively.
2. Show empathy and acknowledge the other’s position
This is a critical step. People need to feel heard and acknowledged.
In addition, regardless of whether you agree with them or not, the other person is entitled to their own view.
- A simple statement of thanks can be useful for dampening potential defensiveness, e.g., “That clarification was helpful, thanks.”
- Put yourself in their shoes, e.g., “I can understand why you might have that perspective.”
3. Explain why the conversation matters
State your perspective clearly with information that helps the other person to understand. Knowing the ‘why’ is useful as it gives us broader context and allows us to connect the dots so that we get our own insights.
When we get those insights and can better understand the other person, it deepens our connection and we are more likely to be able to have a useful constructive conversation.
It’s important to continue to be aware of your own biases and assumptions and to challenge your own thinking. In the example in the article, the woman explained her perspective and then said “I fear that is what is happening here”, as opposed to “this is what is happening here”.
It also works in reverse..
On the other side of the coin, if you are the person being challenged then you can use the same steps.
- Don’t assume intent. Breathe. Be open and curious.
- Show empathy and acknowledge the other opinion.
- If necessary, explain your perspective further. However, there’s no point in getting into an entrenched argument. Accept that the other person has a perspective that is just as valid as yours.
We generally don’t want conflict, we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and we prefer agreeable relations.
However, in addition to a desire to be true to ourselves, there are times when we need to speak up.
These steps help us to have that difficult conversation and preserve the relationship.
Breathe out. Be open and curious.
Acknowledge. Show empathy.
Explain why.
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak;
courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
Winston Churchill
